Although
some societies have accepted homosexuality, there are still many societies that
consider it as an unnatural, devilish thing or simply have a problem with
accepting it as a fact of life. I believe that it would be safe to assume that
social attitudes towards homosexuality are somewhere on the continuum between
Iran and The Netherlands.
In Iran, officially (at least according to the
president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad) there is no homosexuality. Considering that Iran
has a population of around 75 million it is hard to believe that there are
absolutely zero gay men or lesbian women. Despite the relatively uniform
distribution of homosexuals in the global population, officially homosexuality
does not exist in Iran. Let’s say that Iran is one prototype of homophobic
society.
At the other
end of the continuum is The Netherlands which has a very open and accepting
society. The Netherlands was the first country to legalize same-sex marriages
in 2001. Living in this beautiful country I see that same sex couples have
absolutely no problem in making it public that they are homosexuals. It is
normal to see same sex couples holding hands or kissing in public. Similarly no
one is surprised to know that same sex couples live together.
To some
people what I’ve just wrote above is trivial, but for people coming from
societies that are less accepting with homosexuality, it would be at least surprising
to see these things happening.
This post is
not about how societies should be or whether homosexuality should be accepted
or not. Both those in favor of accepting it and those against it have very
strong arguments (or at least in their opinion). What I want to talk about in
this post is a remark made by a Dutch instructor (for one of the courses I took
in the last 2 years).
He said that
he is surprised that in more homophobic societies such as Turkey or the ones
from the Balkans heterosexual men have a lot of physical contact in public.
When men get together for a friendly meeting such as having a coffee and
smoking the water pipe with friends they tend to have a physical interaction
that goes beyond a “manly” hand shake. What they do is that they hug as a form
of greeting or of saying good bye. Many
times they also kiss on the cheek when saying hello or good bye.
This is kind
of surprising since the social norms in these countries are against same sex
relationships. A gay couple would be at least socially excluded if they would
exhibit physical interaction such as holding hands or kissing. Now, I’m trying
to be moderate here by saying “social exclusion”… this is what it is polite to
say. Unfortunately, in homophobic societies, homosexuals that make public their
sexual orientation have to face much more unpleasant things like public
humiliation, beatings or even criminal charges and punishments.
So it’s a
bit puzzling why heterosexual men in homophobic societies are so physically
friendly with other men. It’s almost “Despite living in a homophobic society,
heterosexual men are so physically friendly with other men”. And yes, you’ve
got it! It’s Not DESPITE; It’s BECAUSE!
To better
understand why it’s not despite; it’s because, let’s look at the other end of
the continuum of homosexuality acceptance in society, namely to heterosexual men
in The Netherlands. In this very accepting society, heterosexual men barely
have physical interaction among themselves. Usually when two heterosexual men
meet they shake hands. That’s it! When they say “Good bye” there is just a hand
shake. No hugging, no kissing on the cheek. Of course, there are exceptions in
case of extreme drunkenness and when the National Football team actually wins a
game at a big football tournament. However these exceptions occur only when self-control
is close to zero due to alcohol or extreme emotions of joy and amazement. (At
Euro 2012, the Dutch Football team was a big disappointment).
Again, it’s
a bit puzzling, right? In this case, it would be “Despite living in an
accepting society heterosexual men are not so physically friendly with other
men”. And, YES… It’s Not DESPITE; It’s BECAUSE!
Before
revealing the “secret” explanation, I’d like to take you to the (apparent)
paradox of suntan. In brief, there are two types of countries. The ones that
get a lot of Sun and those don’t. Think of countries like the UK, Iceland, Ireland,
Denmark, Norway, Sweden, Canada, Finland, Estonia etc. Most likely what pops into
your mind when mentioning these countries is far from “Sunny”… Actually, how
would it sound “Sunny Norway”? It’s a bit of an oxymoron. Now, think of Spain,
India, Thailand, Cyprus etc. Now, “Sunny Cyprus” sounds natural.
As you might
have guessed by now, attitudes towards suntan are very different in the two
groups of countries. Moreover, not only attitudes, but the social meaning of suntan
is very different. Let me explain a bit.
In countries
that lack sunlight having a suntan means that the person is wealthy enough to
go on long and expensive holydays abroad. In countries that benefit from
abundant sunlight having a suntan means that one has to work all day long in
the sunshine most likely on a field. In
different societies the same thing – having a suntan – means exactly opposite things
and transmits different information about a person. So if in Norway having a
suntan means that you are rich, and in India means that you are poor, isn’t it
normal for people to behave differently with regard to suntan?
Rich people
in Scotland show that they are rich by getting as much suntan as possible,
while rich people in India show that they are rich by whitening their skin as
much as possible (meaning that they can afford not to work).
Now, coming back
to the behavior of heterosexual men in homophobic and accepting societies, the
situation is quite similar to the one regarding suntan. Heterosexual men need
to show that they are heterosexual. I’m not implying that it is wrong to show
that one is homosexual. It’s simply a matter of social communication of one’s
sexual orientation. More so, on the “mating market” sexual orientation is one
very basic piece of information. Heterosexual men will want to be in the same “mating
market place” as heterosexual women, while homosexual men or women want to be
in the same “mating market place” as homosexual men or women. So, communicating
one’s sexual orientation is crucial in social interaction. Thankfully people
don’t ware signs on their foreheads with their sexual orientation. Behavior is
a much better indicator, especially behavior in social groups.
The
relationship between wealth and suntan and the relationship between sexual
orientation and physical interaction among men are very similar. If we
translate them into abstract terms it would be something like this: an
individual wants to transmit to others (an “audience”) a piece of information
(wealth or sexual orientation) about him /her-self. The means used to transmit
this information are under the contingency of the social norms of the group or
society the individual and the “audience” are members of.
In a society
that benefits form a lot of sunlight, having a suntan means that a person in
poor. If that person would not be poor and would not need to work 12 hours on
the field, he or she could afford to stay indoors, with air conditioning and
buy cosmetic products that make the skin whiter. More so, if that person would
have been very, very (almost obscenely) rich he or she could have taken a long
vacation in Norway (during winter).
Similarly in
a homophobic society a man that hugs and kisses on the cheek other men is
heterosexual. If that person would have not been heterosexual, first of all
other men would not interact with him, second he would not have dared to come
close to heterosexual men since they would mistreat him if they found out that
he was homosexual.
In homophobic
society men that hug and kiss on the cheek HAVE TO BE heterosexual since a
homosexual men would NOT DARE to show in public physical interaction with other
homosexual men.
In an
accepting society homosexual men (and women) are free to show in public physical
interaction with other homosexual men (and women). This means that heterosexual
men will restrict to a hand shake to show that they are heterosexuals.
It is not
despite, it is because!
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